(January 15, 2002) - What was it that journalist Andy Rooney used to say? "Computers make it easier to do a lot of things but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done." What's true of computers is perhaps also true of cell phones. Rooney's words came mischievously to mind on hearing the very latest reports from Japan about a new functionality being added to NTT DoCoMo's much-publicized "world-leading, third generation cellular telephone service" - a.k.a. FOMA (Freedom of Mobile multimedia Access).

In announcing its complementary "world-beating, full-motion video" service, I-motion, DoCoMo apparently took a full-page ad in the Asahi Shimbun, Japan's leading business newspaper. "In addition to i-mode content," the ad purred, "enjoy the thrill of full-motion imagery in the palm of your hand."

What had the folks at Tokyo's equivalent of Madison Avenue hit upon, as a sample video frame to demonstrate the incredible extra dimension of functionality now being added to DoCoMo's N2002N handsets thanks to I-motion? Yup, you guessed it: staring out from the tiny frame was a cat. Never mind Lara Croft. Forget Michael Jackson. If you're a Japanese consumer you can now hold your favorite pussycat in the palm of your hand and, best of all, the i-mode N2002N only costs a paltry $500, plus say $1.25 in viewing fees for a 12-second video clip. So what's more you can demonstrate your feline love fiscally, by sacrificing huge sums of money to DoCoMo as you show her off in full-motion video to all your friends.

Rooney was right. It's amazing how easy imotion makes it for ordinary mortals to show off their pets to one another, and it's also amazing how completely, fundamentally unnecessary it is to do any such thing.

But then of course reality intrudes, and even the most saintly analyst of the wireless world realizes that these handsets, and this service, won't be used for showing anything so innocent as a cat peering around a chair-leg. DoCoMo is doubtless poised to capitalize on the world's second-oldest vice, pornography. There was never any doubt that this was always going to be the first service to make money out of mobile video, nor that it would probably start doing so first in the East rather than the West. But how long can it take now, before bored businessmen and snickering teenagers in Europe and America are pouring large portions of their discretionary income away in indiscreet pursuit of full-motion titillation at the rate of ten cents a second?

If you think this is overly pessimistic, consider the fact that, of the 190 million or so e-mail messages currently received by i-mode users every day, 90% are "dating club" solicitations - in other words, spam invitations to sex.